Guess...

...who's baaaccckkkk!

Me!

A newly re-invigorated and trying to get re-focused me. 

I have now lived my old "normal" lifestyle (i.e. SAD diet) for about 5 months now.  And I feel terrible - both physically and emotionally. :(

I knew this was the trouble of giving myself some leeway.  I won't get into the details at this time, but basically I am choosing to go back to eating raw vegan.  I feel worse than I have in months and I KNOW it's because of my diet. 

I knew there was a reason I didn't actually delete this blog!  I was recounting to Ry some of my experiences from those 5 months of eating solely raw vegan and I basically reminded myself of all the GOOD and it made me question my current behavior. 

I have learned a lot from my experience that began last summer and now I know some things that I need to watch/do differently this time around.  I think a piece that was extremely helpful was me being 'raw' (ha!) in terms of sharing my experience on this blog.  It helped me stay focused and helped me processs thoughts and feelings about all of it. 

So join me if you will as I restart my raw vegan lifestyle...like the first time, I don't know what this will look like.  Obviously I now know what I can expect but even though I thought I had learned all the things I needed to before, I was obviously not right about that.  There is a different slant to my purpose this time around, so off I go!

Breakaway

This morning while I was working out and listening to my iPod, the song Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson played.  And it just hit me.  Like a ton of bricks.  I am breaking away from my old life and old patterns and into a new, healthier version of myself.  When I think of my raw vegan journey, this song is a great representation of me right now.

My favorite, empowering phrase in the song is:
"I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway"

I wish I was better with words b/c I have so much more to say about this, but at the moment, it's more of a feeling...that I'm letting sink into my soul.  It's a good feeling.  One filled with excitement, accomplishment, defeat, change, remembering the old me, dreaming about the new me - the person I want to be.  Sure I have said in the past that I want to be healthier, but healthy people behave differently than I used to behave.  I am trying to become a person who does healthy things so that I can be a healthy person!

Now for the lyrics.  Maybe this song speaks to you in a different way than it did for me this morning.

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window

Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray
I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean

Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away
And breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging 'round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Pace of a Camel

Today a friend told me a little story that gives a good picture of the emotional journey that I have been on for these past almost five months.

When people in the middle east (back in the day) needed to move, they would have to ride camels all the way to their new home.  Taking a camel requires a much slower pace and can take days, weeks or even months to get to their destination.  This gave their souls time to adjust to the change and to mourn the loss of their previous home before celebrating their new adventures.  A large part of their soul was heavily invested in their previous home.


In today's day and age we could move from the east coast of the states to the west coast in one day simply by flying there. In today's instantaneous culture, it is easy to forget that just because we can move so quickly, doesn't mean our souls follow suit.  Our souls need time to adjust and time to reflect amidst the chaos that surrounds us.


I have made some drastic changes in the past 20 weeks and just because I moved so quickly with those changes, doesn't mean that my soul has followed suit.  I think that has been the hardest part of this entire thing.  Overall, the food really isn't the issue.  It's the emotional and social aspect of it that has been the most difficult.  


I remind myself that I am on a journey and that my soul is trying to keep up with all the changes.  Maybe this is what was going on when I posted this.  Parts of my soul are catching up, but there is still a lot that was left behind, so to speak.  


And just because I write about the 'difficulties' doesn't mean I'm not following through on the lifestyle.  I'm just trying to process everything that's going on inside my head.


Now I'm going to chill out and let my soul catch up to my changed behavior.

Finding My Way

These last two weeks I have spent redeeming the previous three weeks.  It has been refreshing and I am learning the value of doing something because it is healthy and not because of the immediate results that I could/should be getting.  Very rarely in my life have I done anything purely for the sake of being healthy.

The past eight weeks I have lost absolutely no additional weight and I find it very frustrating.  I was losing weight so drastically for the first 12 weeks, that to have it stop all of the sudden has been very discouraging.  I think that contributed to me not being as strict with the raw lifestyle a few weeks back.  I went through a weird mind game where I struggled with if this was really worth it or not in every manner.

To make a long story short, I eventually came back around to wanting to continue this lifestyle.  I kept reminding myself of my long-term goals and to stop being distracted by the lack of short-term progress.

During those three weeks where I wasn't being as strict, I found myself trying to purchase foods that I haven't eaten in months...things like cookies. and bread. and candy. and lots of other stuff.  But I just couldn't.  Part of my plan with my nutritionist is to avoid gluten as well, so that eliminated lots of foods that could have been options.

I didn't realize that by living a raw vegan lifestyle I would totally re-wire my brain.  While looking through the food aisles filled with pre-packaged-anything-I-could-ever-desire, I found that none of it was actually truly appealing.  I couldn't even bribe myself to put any of it in my cart.  Believe me, I tried.  Really, really hard.

These past two weeks I have been fully back on track and still have seen no additional physical changes, but I am trying to be okay with that.  I found out there are some underlying blood sugar/adrenal gland/other stuff issues going on which explains the lack of weight loss despite my lower calorie intake and increase in exercise.

So I have been very diligent in eating the quantity I need to and at the frequency that is important.  I continue to work with my nutritionist to help get all this under control and to monitor how my body is reacting to all this.  Much more to say, but I'll stop here for now!

Change is Brewing

I am still here. :)  Barely sometimes, but I am still here.  Here's where my mind has been lately. 

The more time that passes from the initial shock of getting the not-so-great news this past spring regarding the progression of the MS the less freaked out I am about it and the less compelled I feel to be so drastic with my health.

HOWEVER,

I need to find my new normal.  What does the raw vegan lifestyle look like when I'm not so scared?  What are my REAL motivators for change?  How much do I truly care about  my overall health?  How seriously am I going to take this?  I have worked REALLY hard these past four+ months to get to where I'm at now and I refuse to sabotage myself. 

I have truly meant every word I have written on this blog and my intent in creating this blog was to document my journey and to be able to share with others the wonderful benefits of this lifestyle.  My own writing has been helpful to me lately because I have been able to go back and re-read what I have written and what I have gone through.  It has served as a reminder and as encouragement for me during this particular time.

I feel like I am in the midst of a time of change (again!) and I don't believe that change is headed back towards the SAD lifestyle. Instead, I am trying to define what being raw vegan means in my daily life.  I think anyone can do anything for a period of time, but what does it REALLY take to make a true lifestyle change?  I'm not quite sure yet.  But I am bound and determined to find out. 

I would love to hear any of your experiences in trying to implement a massive change in your lifestyle, in any area!  I can use all the help I can get!

Random Updates

I have found that being around others lately has been a very good system for being held accountable in this new lifestyle.  I have found my mind wandering to rationalizations and possibilities of how I could deviate without feeling like a total loser.  That's not really a good sign, so I'm trying to nip that in the bud.  And I remind myself that I don't really want to do that.  I wonder why living a healthier lifestyle is so difficult.  Why do I desire to do things that I know are not good for me?  Well, obviously from a simplistic approach, food tastes good - especially goodies that aren't really all that good for you. 

I have truly grown to appreciate the simple, yet abundant flavors found in fruits and vegetables alone, yet the call of deep fried food and super sugary treats whisper my name.  Every day for 15 weeks now, between 3 to 6+ times a day I choose to ignore those whispers and have reaped the benefits of staying the course.  Like I've mentioned, I definitely haven't been perfect, but that is okay.  This is also a growth area for me as I expect perfection from myself and it has been hard to be okay with being less than what I want to be.

On a separate note:

For the next two weeks I'll be tracking every piece of food that I eat and then I will meet with Dr. Nutrition to review it.  I have found myself getting a bit more anxious about making sure I'm doing all of this in a healthy, good way.  I am concerned that I'm not doing it right. :(  I'm not exactly sure where this is coming from.  I just really don't want to do my body harm.  Dr. Nutrition keeps assuring me that I'm doing well, but we'll see what he says when he has actual data to base his opinion on instead of just my word.

Detox update:

I continue on my detox and haven't noticed any radical changes.  I think had I been on a SAD diet I would have noticed lots of changes (probably very similar to what I went through when I switched over to raw vegan).  I still feel good about deciding to do it even though I'm not experiencing 'fireworks' as I know that it is cleansing. 

Thinking

I'll be reposting my 'journaling' from when I started this journey and eventually I'll get caught up! I originally wrote this on July 25.

Today I actually feel prepared for the upcoming week as far as food goes. I am planning on making pudding (consisting of bananas, avocados and carob powder), new types of green smoothies and some new fruits. I purchased a couple of Pluots and even a Mango - which I’ve never ever had before. I’m quite excited to try them out! My mom (hi!) gave me some tips on how to eat a Mango, and painted a funny picture of how it can be extremely messy. We shall see! {update: it WAS very messy!}

The longer I do this, the easier it is getting for sure. Today marks the start of week 5. Time is sure flying! But I am realizing that I really want those kitchen gadgets I mentioned earlier. Aaahh, to make ‘bread’ and ‘crackers’ sounds so delicious! I have recipes waiting to be made!

I find my mind being consumed with ideas of the foods I can make. I am also constantly thinking. Thinking of why I’m doing this. Thinking of all the things I’ve been reading and turning over ideas in my head about how to implement what I’ve read. I think that it really WAS a good decision for me to take a break from school and focus on my health. It has been MUCH more time consuming than I could have imagined. The more I read, the more I am convinced that what I’m doing is a good decision. I can tell I haven’t fully accepted the reality of why I’m making these changes b/c I am distracted by it all the time. Mulling it over and over and over in my head. What else can I do? What should I do? What will this look like for me in the long term?

A Little Venting

I'll be reposting my 'journaling' from when I started this journey and eventually I'll get caught up! I originally wrote this on July 11.

Something else I’m realizing is that I am doing this for ME. Not for the approval of others. I have gotten completely mixed reactions from people in my life that know what I’ve been up to. Everything from “that’s ridiculous” to “that’s wonderful”. And then a bunch in between urging me to eventually add in other foods as time goes on. What I think they don’t understand is that I may do exactly that, but at this moment I am being this severe b/c I feel compelled to.

It’s like I’m getting reverse discrimination almost. I don’t know how else to describe it. People are gawking at me eating raw vegetables for lunch: “That’s all you’re going to eat? Aren’t you going to have some bread or rice or…{fill in the blank}?” What if I did the exact same thing to them?: “You’re going to eat that pizza that is loaded with bad fats and oils and almost nothing of nutritional value?” Of course I will never say that – I mean, I ate that way all the time before two weeks ago! I am not better than anyone else and I surely don’t expect others to do what I am doing. But heaven forbid I try something that is good for me.

Again, I keep reminding myself of my purpose. No one else is me. I don’t have to apologize or even explain my decisions. The more I repeat this to myself, the stronger I feel. Now, on to week 3!