Week 10 Rawview

This week's rawview will be a little different than the previous ones.

I was out of town this weekend and so there's no official weigh in and that's why I'm a bit late in posting.  What I do know is that I haven't gained or lost any weight.

And I have had quite a difficult week, so I don't really know what to say.  I had a couple of very emotionally difficult things happen this week - one unexpected and one that I knew was coming.

Something I learned this week is that I had to fight, fight, fight my old habits of using food as an escape when I am scared, nervous, anxious, sad and upset.  I guess I knew I used to do that all the time, but for the first time since switching to the raw vegan lifestyle, I was confronted with the reality of that.  I could no longer run to my cupboards or fridge and eat a bunch of junk food to help me feel better, or at least make me feel like I was making myself feel better. 

Instead, I made some, what I think are even worse, decisions.  I ended up leaving the house and buying some food that definitely is not part of 'the plan.'  Realistically, for the most part I did still stick to eating raw foods, but instead of being at the 99% level of raw that I have been at, I would say that last week it dropped down probably closer to about 60% or maybe even a bit less. 

I have been struggling with how I feel about that.  Honestly, at times I feel like a complete failure.  At other times, I give myself a break and remember that I am human and entirely still learning how to not use food as emotional therapy.  I am also trying to appreciate the journey of all this.  It is good for me to work on dealing with the underlying issues that cause me to run to food to deal with emotions in the first place. 

I remember going through some interesting emotions earlier on in this process when all of the sudden the time I used to spend cooking and baking was freed up to do other things.  I had to think about what food meant to me - and why it bothered me that I didn't know what do with myself.  Why did I place such importance on food?  And not even good food, but very unhealthy food. 

So this week I am trying (again) to refocus and remember why I am doing what I'm doing.  I got ill a couple of times last week due to eating some greasy, very fatty foods that my body wasn't used to having.  This week I am going back to some basics and want to accomplish my goal of sticking to raw and avoid getting sick.  Seems pretty simple, but I guess that means I might actually have to address the emotions that are still simmering inside of me. 

My mom was being very wise when she told me that it's good to just 'sit' in our emotions sometimes.  Let them sink in and fully feel the pain.  I like to avoid pain at all costs.  But maybe now is the time for me to face the pain and move through it instead of avoiding it.  This entire raw vegan journey has to do with MUCH more than just food.